Just in case the Easter Bunny didn’t sneak a list of TV’s best Quotes of the Week into your baskets this morning — what an oversight! — we’ve got a robust compilation of our own to share.
In the list below, we’ve gathered two dozen of television’s most memorable sound bites from the past seven days, including moments both scripted and unscripted from broadcast, cable and streaming series.
This time around, we’ve got a glimpse at Darlene’s unique seduction technique on The Conners, a new season of Schmigadoon! that’s straight outta Ryan Murphy’s imagination, Succession‘s Greg acting more nervous than ever around Logan Roy (which is really saying something), and, at long last, the suggestion of a haircut for Superman & Lois‘ Jordan.
Also featured in this week’s roundup: double doses of Ted Lasso (read Episode 4 post mortem) and Tiny Beautiful Things (grade the premiere), plus quotable moments from Star Trek: Picard, The Mandalorian, The Good Doctor, Beef and more shows.
Scroll through the list below to see all of our picks for the week, then hit the comments and tell us if we missed any of your faves!
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STAR TREK: PICARD
Image Credit: Paramount+ screenshot “I have slaughtered countless enemies over the years and considered sending their heads to all of you. But I was advised that that was passive-aggressive.”
Worf (Michael Dorn) has a funny way of telling his old Enterprise pals that he missed them
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THE CONNERS
Image Credit: ABC screenshot “Wow, are you wearing perfume?”
“I may have walked through a blast of Febreze…”
Darlene (Sara Gilbert) pulls out all the stops to seduce Ben (Jay R. Ferguson)
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ANIMAL CONTROL
Image Credit: Fox screenshot “If you say ‘victory,’ he attacks. If you say ‘tranquillo,’ Dante should stand down.”
“I feel like it’s ‘tran-quìl-lo.’”
“No, it’s ‘tranquillo.’ I took Spanish in community college.”
Are we sure this is Frank (Joel McHale) talking and not Community‘s Jeff Winger?
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TED LASSO
Image Credit: Apple TV+ screenshot (2) “Ted, I like our status. Friends with benefits, like Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher.”
“No, no, no. I think you’re thinking of 2011’s other good friends-turned-casual lovers basic rom-com, No Strings Attached. Friends With Benefits was Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake.”
“Oh, wow. 2011… friends be f—king!”
Sassy (Ellie Taylor) is determined to keep her relationship with Ted “2011” — regardless of which rom-com she’s thinking of
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TED LASSO (Bonus Quote!)
Image Credit: Apple TV+ screenshot “Don’t be nervous. Look, just sit here, look right into the camera, and just pretend you’re talking to an old friend.”
“My oldest friend is Javier.”
“Great! How long have you known Javier?”
“Only a couple of months, but he turns 108 years old next week.”
Shandy (Ambreen Razia) didn’t mean oldest in age, but we’re happy Javier has a friend like Dani (Cristo Fernández)
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FBI: MOST WANTED
Image Credit: CBS screenshot (2) “Thanks for nothing, kid.”
Remy (Dylan McDermott) acknowledges Scola’s unexpected lack of bomb-defusing skills
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BEEF (Episode 1)
Image Credit: Netflix screenshot “I feel like [my parents] are stuck in Korea because of me. That’s kind of s—ty.”
“Like I told the f—king cops, you didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t do anything wrong. I was just the middle man, OK? Like, who knew you could counterfeit baby formula?”
“I didn’t know! No one knew that, right?”
Danny (Steven Yeun) and Isaac (David Choe) reveal the puzzling reason why Isaac did time in the slammer
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AMERICAN AUTO
Image Credit: NBC screenshot “I just don’t feel great about taking Saudi money. Doing business with a brutal regime that has no respect for human rights?”
“Totally get that, but you know, there’s two sides to every story. You never hear about the people they don’t execute.”
Sadie (Harriet Dyer) scrambles to get a shareholder to sell his shares to the Saudis
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STATION 19
Image Credit: ABC screenshot “My cards! You burned my cards! In a firehouse!”
“Well, technically, it is the safest place to burn something.”
Mayoral candidate Travis (Jay Hayden) is horrified that campaign manager Eli (Rob Heaps) has set his talking points aflame
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RABBIT HOLE
Image Credit: Paramount+ screenshot (2) “I was there for you! I was there when you played the turkey in the play.”
“Oh my God. That was kindergarten. A lot of stuff has happened since. Oh, yeah — you faking your f—king suicide!”
Ben’s (Charles Dance) long-ago disappearing act is a sore spot for his son John (Kiefer Sutherland)
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THE MANDALORIAN
Image Credit: Disney+ screenshot (2) “What do you think?”
“You had me at ‘battle droids.’”
Mando (Pedro Pascal) is more than happy to investigate sketchy droids
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SURVIVOR
Image Credit: CBS screenshot “Do you feel like you talk too much or say the wrong thing?”
“It’s something that happens in my normal life. I just can’t hold it in. I can see the faces when I speak more than I have to speak, but I just can’t stop! It just keeps coming out! Now I can’t stop either, you keep looking at me! I think you want more! You want more?”
Yam Yam Arocho provides a delightful response after Jeff Probst inquires about his loose lips
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CHICAGO MED
Image Credit: NBC screenshot “I just think it’s not a good idea to mix business with pleasure.”
“Fine, sure, but when has that ever worked for anyone? Take the ED, for example: You’ve got Ethan and April, you’ve got Will and Natalie, you’ve got Will and Hannah, you’ve got Will and—”
“All right, spare me the update on Dr. Halstead’s love life.”
Sharon (S. Epatha Merkerson) and Maggie (Marlyne Barrett) discuss dating in the workplace after a board member expresses interest in Sharon
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SUPERMAN & LOIS
Image Credit: The CW screenshot “The first thing we do at the DOD is give recruits the old high and tight.”
“Yeah, but I’m not a recruit. Besides, my dad never had to do anything like that.”
“That’s because he didn’t look like he was auditioning for Thin Lizzy.”
We’re glad someone finally suggested a haircut for Jordan (Alex Garfin), we just never thought that Sam (Dylan Walsh) would be the one to do it
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TINY BEAUTIFUL THINGS (Episode 1)
Image Credit: Hulu screenshot “What would I tell my 22-year-old self? I’d say stop worrying whether you’re fat. Feed yourself, literally. The people worthy of your love will love you more for this. I’d also say that most things will be OK, eventually. But, not everything. One afternoon in your twenties you’ve gotten yourself ridiculously tangled up with heroin. You’ll be riding the bus and thinking what a worthless piece of s—t you are. A little girl will get on the bus with her mother, holding the strings of two purple balloons. She will offer you one of the balloons, but you won’t take it because you believe you no longer have a right to such tiny, beautiful things. You’re wrong. You do.”
Clare (Kathryn Hahn) responds to her first “Dear Sugar” submission
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TINY BEAUTIFUL THINGS (Episode 3)
Image Credit: Hulu screenshot “Do you have any idea how f—king lucky you are to be loved by her? I would f—king kill to have a f—king ounce of that love and she wastes it on you? What kind of name is Montana? Who are you? F—king Brad Pitt in f—king A River Runs Through It?”
Clare (Kathryn Hahn) berates a spoiled teenager for breaking her daughter’s heart
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LAW & ORDER: ORGANIZED CRIME
Image Credit: NBC screenshot (2) “‘Daddy’? Really?”
“It’s your look, man.”
Stabler (Christopher Meloni) has some questions about his UC profile on a Grindr-like app
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ABBOTT ELEMENTARY
Image Credit: ABC screenshot “But y’all can dip like guacamole.”
Gregory (Tyler James Williams) escorts the intrusive Educator of the Year camera crew out of his classroom
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SUCCESSION
Image Credit: HBO screenshot “So he’s still just kind of walking around, but with the slight sense that he might kill someone. It’s like Jaws, if everyone in Jaws worked for Jaws.”
Greg (Nicholas Braun) is terrified at the sight of Logan Roy roaming the halls of ATN unannounced
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GREY’S ANATOMY
Image Credit: ABC screenshot “You’re a doctor. He’s a nurse. You’ve got all the power.”
“You clearly don’t understand gay male culture. He’s hotter, he has all the power.”
Schmitt (Jake Borelli) unpacks his split from Carlos for Helm (Jaicy Elliot)
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UNSTABLE (Episode 7)
Image Credit: Netflix screenshot “I know what it’s like to want to fit in with the cool kids. When I was in primary school, my sister warned me not to get ‘The Rachel’ haircut, but I didn’t listen to her, and I learned that not every teenage face should be framed.”
Let’s all give Anna (Sian Clifford) a round of applause for this brave admission
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THE VOICE
Image Credit: NBC screenshot “I told Neil [Salsich] before he came out here, ‘Man, if you lose this Battle, it will be the worst fail in history. I mean, this would be some Adam Levine-level failure.’”
A contestant singing without an opponent gives Blake Shelton a chance to get in one last dig at his old pal/rival
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SCHMIGADOON!
Image Credit: Apple TV+ screenshot “This is like that season of American Horror Story I gave up on.”
Melissa (Cecily Strong) is not impressed with her hotel accommodations in Schmicago
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THE GOOD DOCTOR
Image Credit: ABC screenshot “Dr. Glassman, I am asking you to do the scan because the data and the evidence are sound, and because… it would be hard to lose my father as I am about to become one. Do the scan for me.”
A teary-eyed Shaun (Freddie Highmore) pleads with Glassman to make sure he’s still cancer-free
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S.W.A.T.
Image Credit: Paramount+ screenshot “I swear I didn’t know what it was when I first took it from my ex. I just thought he’d be mad it went missing. I didn’t think this would happen.”
“Your ex is dead, your boss is dead. Choices matter. Remember that.”
Cabrera (Brigitte Kali Canales) throws the book at a Koran thief
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BLUE BLOODS
Image Credit: Paramount+ screenshot “How do you do it? Shave points, cut corners, step over the line…?”
“Gee. Thanks, Dad.”
“No, it’s a compliment! You have a result in mind, and somehow you find a way to get it.”
“So you mean, ‘What’s my secret to being a dick?’”
Frank (Tom Selleck) asks his eldest (Donnie Wahlberg) for pointers
