I wish I could have known my dad

Frances Bean Cobain, the daughter of the late grunge icon Kurt Cobain, has shared a moving post on the 30th anniversary of the musician’s death.

She took to her Instagram page earlier today (April 5) to share a series of images of her father, and write a lengthy caption about how his death has impacted her throughout her life.

The musician rose to prominence at the end of the ‘80s as the frontman and guitarist of Nirvana – alongside Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic – and went on to become one of the most iconic figures in rock, particularly in the ‘90s grunge scene. He died by suicide on April 5, 1994, when his daughter, whom he had with Courtney Love, was only one year old.

Now, exactly three decades since his tragic death, Frances Bean – now aged 31 – has shared an emotive tribute to her late parent, and discussed how she wishes she “could have known” him.

“30 years ago my dad’s life ended,” she wrote, sharing an image of the musician’s hands, taken by R.E.M frontman (and her godfather) Michael Stipe, followed by a couple of photos of them together. “The 2nd & 3rd photo capture the last time we were together while he was still alive. His mom Wendy would often press my hands to her cheeks & say, with a lulling sadness, ‘You have his hands’. She would breathe them in as if it were her only chance to hold him just a little bit closer, frozen in time. I hope she’s holding his hands wherever they are.”

She continued: “In the last 30 years my ideas around loss have been in a continuous state of metamorphosing. The biggest lesson learned through grieving for almost as long as I’ve been conscious, is that it serves a purpose. The duality of life & death, pain & joy, yin & yang, need to exist alongside each other or none of this would have any meaning. It is the impermanent nature of human existence which throws us into the depths of our most authentic lives. As It turns out, there is no greater motivation for leaning into loving awareness than knowing everything ends.

“I wish I could’ve known my Dad. I wish I knew the cadence of his voice, how he liked his coffee or the way it felt to be tucked in after a bedtime story. I always wondered if he would’ve caught tadpoles with me during the muggy Washington summers, or if he smelled of Camel Lights & strawberry Nesquik (his favourites, I’ve been told),” she added.

“But there is also deep wisdom being on an expedited path to understanding how precious life is. He gifted me a lesson in death that can only come through the LIVED experience of losing someone. It’s the gift of knowing for certain, when we love ourselves & those around us with compassion, with openness, with grace, the more meaningful our time here inherently becomes.”

Frances Bean also added a collection of photos of her father from when he was a child to the post, and concluded by recalling a letter that Kurt wrote to her before she was born.

“The last line of it reads, ‘wherever you go or wherever I go, I will always be with you.’ He kept this promise because he is present in so many ways. Whether it’s by hearing a song or through the hands we share, in those moments I get to spend a little time with my dad & he feels transcendent. To anyone who has wondered what it would’ve looked like to live alongside the people they have lost, I’m holding you in my thoughts today. The meaning of our grief is the same.”

Although missing out on the chance to grow up with her father, Frances Bean has, like both of her parents, also ventured down an artistic route in her own life. This includes time as an artist and photographer – sharing a variety of her work on social media – as well as work as a musician. For the latter, she often sings and plays acoustic guitar, and has previously posted snippets of her own music. These include an original track called ‘Angel’, which she wrote as a tribute to her father.

“I would hope that he would be proud of the human being I am even if he didn’t like the art I am putting out,” Frances said during an interview with E! News in 2018. “With regards to music, I don’t want to pigeonhole myself and say I am a musician or a visual artist because I feel like it’s all-encompassing and I feel like every bit of my art is related to the other.”.

She has also spoken out about her views on her dad’s music in the past too, and revealed that while she isn’t necessarily a fan of Nirvana, she does appreciate the ambitious approach that Kurt took in his songwriting (via Distractify).

Last year, she made headlines after reports emerged that she had gotten married to Riley Hawk – the son of skateboarding legend Tony Hawk.

Elsewhere on the anniversary of Kurt Cobain’s death, the BBC announced special programming to commemorate the life of the rock icon, and photography duo Guzman (aka husband and wife Constance Hansen and Russell Peacock) spoke to NME about their new book of unseen images of the late Nirvana frontman.